*** FINAL POST ***

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*** R.I.P. the HMVHumourList (December 2000 to December 2006) ***

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Dear reader,

As previously announced, this is THE END of the HMVHumourList in
its present form (cue Doors song now)! Gone are the written and
text-based jokes. Elvis has left the building, this "blog" will
remain intact for the time being, albeit abandoned.

Pictures tell a thousand words (and a collection speaks volumes).

You're welcome to join the GoogleGroup that contains nothing but
BINary files - mostly in the form of images or PowerPoint shows
or outright other naughty stuff...

In future and until further notice, all material and junk will go
to The Dirty Thumb - and you're
welcome to contribute, too! To subscribe, simply send a blank
email to TheDirtyThumb-subscribe@googlegroups.com

The main site http://www.hmvh.de.vu will remain, for the time being.

Have fun, and happy 2007!

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Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

edit: 19-08-2008

#566: Kylie, Robbie, and Elton were walking...

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Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a
couple of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her
senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

Elton starts crying.

"What's wrong?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

...cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#559: A polack wants a divorce...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on
the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Attorney: "Have you any grounds?"

Pole: "Ja, Ja, acre and half, and nice little home."

Attorney: "No, I mean... what is the foundation of this case?"

Pole: "Is made of concrete."

Attorney: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Pole: "No, we have carport, not need garage."

Attorney: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

Pole: "All my relations still in Poland."

Attorney: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Pole: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Attorney: Does your wife beat you up?"

Pole: "No, I always up before her."

Attorney: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Pole: "No, she white."

Attorney: "So why do you want this divorce?"

Pole: "She going to kill me."

Attorney: "Really? What makes you think that?"

Pole: "I got proof.

Attorney: "What kind of proof?"

Pole: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

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[Contributed by Tom Kikonyogo]

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#558: A hillbilly wants a divorce...

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A hillbilly walks into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get me one of them dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case but I got a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the mornin'."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a fine little white gal. But our last child was
a nigger and that's why I want this dayvorce."

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[Contributed by Rufus Blairgowrie]

Marriage is an expensive way for a man to get his laundry done for free!

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#557: A report on the McCartney breakup

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News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney.

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has
been my crutch for so long!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have
no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped".

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she'll
need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on
a relationship like this".

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it
if we called her "Heather".

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg
to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless".

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

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Finally, a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a-quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river

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Lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now that she's left him, he's
going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#555: An Italian, a Frenchman and a Redneck...

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An Italian, a Frenchman and a Redneck were discussing sex.

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floats ah 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen,
Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothing, buddy. When I've finished doin'
it to the ole lady, I gits out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe
my pecker on them curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling!"

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[Contributed by Rufus Blairgowrie]

"I'm the bad guy? How did THAT happen?" - D-Fens in FALLING DOWN

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#536: The blonde cousellor

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A blonde began a job as a primary school counsellor, and she was most
eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing
all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the
same spot and still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing
here all by yourself?"

"Because," the little boy said "I'm the fooking goalie!"

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[Recovered from the archives]

Who is General Failure, and why did he read my hard disk?

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#538: The lost Swiss guy

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A Swiss man is looking for directions, and he pulls up at a bus stop
where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two
Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. They continue to stare.

"Praat julle Afrikaans?" The Americans just look at each other.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

Disgusted, the Swiss guy drives off.

One American guy turns to other and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn
a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five languages and it didn't do
him no good either."

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[Contributor forgotten]

Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on lunch.

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#534: Very poor domain name choices

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These are all legitimate companies.
They deal in regular products and services.

What they didn't do is consider their domain names before applying...
clearly prime candidates for the "What the fuck was I thinking?" Award!

01. On a site called whoRepresents?com you can find the name
of the agent that represents a particular celebrity.
Their domain name? Why, www.whorepresents.com, of course!

02. Experts Exchange is an online information and resource portal.
Visit them at www.expertsexchange.com.
Note: It used to be a portal for IT professionals (there's a hint of
irony there) and has since been renamed to www.experts-exchange.com.

03. Looking for a custom-made pen? Don't be fooled by imposters and go
straight to Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

04. If you're looking for a Californian therapist, you'll find advice
and more at TherapistFinder.

05. Much ado was generated when Italian battery manufacturer PowerGen
decided to name their domain PowerGenItalia (which has nothing to do
with the giant UK energy company of a similar name). That domain is
now "under construction" (and possibly owned by the manufacturers
of industrial-strength vibrators), with the Italian company's proper
domain at www.batterychargerpowergen.it.

06. The Australian Mole Station Native Plant Nursery can be found
at www.molestationnursery.com (now renamed to something far less
devious: www.molerivernursery.com)

07. ipAnywhere is a companion product for Symantec's pcAnywhere,
designed to enable connections between remote and host PCs across
the Internet. Check it out at www.ipanywhere.com.

08. The URL of the Cumming First United Methodist Church happens
to be www.cummingfirst.com.

09. Art designer Nigel Talamo's Speed of Art website can be seen
at www.speedofart.com.

10. Lake Tahoe and Crystal Bay seem to be nice and tranquil holiday
destinations that should not be mistaken for an urban descriptor
of loose women. Visit www.gotahoe.com for more.

11. Germans have a peculiar habit of spicing up their language by adding
English words at the most inopportune of places. A local bathroom
design and plumbing company have the URL www.bad-design.de
prominently displayed on their trucks. ("Bad" is German for "bath".)
Just as well it's parked...

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[Pulled off http://misscellania.squarespace.com/ and rewritten by HMVH]

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

#529: Electronic Jargon made easy

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ELECTRONIC JARGON MADE EASY

Antenna coupling - Insect's foreplay
Banana plug - Fruit marketing board advert
Base drive - Primitive motivation
Bass - (See tuner)
Block diagram - Football strategy plan
Bonding wire - Cheap wedding ring
Bridge rectifier - Facial plastic surgeon
Bubble gate - Entrance to soap factory
Burn in - Pyromaniac's convention
Local Bus - Public Transport
Carrier - Transportation company
Character density - Number of odd people at the office
Circuit board - Racing track committee
Circuit breaker - New lap record
Core dump - Orchard compost heap
Coupling methods - Positions for intercourse
Crosstalk - Angry words
Current mode logic - Contemporary fad in mathematics
Current status - Available bank balance
Cursor - Tourette syndrome sufferer
Degraded minute - TV program interrupted by an advert
Delayed trigger - Loser in a gun fight
Discrete device - Little white lie
Discriminator - Bigot
Doping techniques - Alcoholism made easy
Electromotive force - Electric railway engine
Emphasis network - CNN
Equalizer - HiFi component
Floppy disk - Tired UFO
Four-bit latch - Cheap lock
Four terminal network - Small railway company
Full adder - Type of snake
Group delay - Long queue
Group translation - Interpretation for foreigners
Heatshrink - Tropical psychiatrist
Hex code - Witchcraft standards
High pass filter - Strong cigarette
High to low transition - Income tax deduction from pay rise
Jump instruction - Order to paratrooper
Joystick - Sexual aid
Kermit - Frog Muppet
Keyboard - Musical instrument
Line driver - Road hog
Log amplifier - Tree fertiliser
Low pass - Indecent proposal
Macintosh - Rain coat
Megabyte - Glutton
Megahertz - Large car rental company
Memory management - Brain washing
Microchips - Diet
Microwave dish - Temperature resistant china
Minimum loss pad - Low rental apartment
Mixer - Kitchen helper
Mob system - Laws as set down by the Mafia
Monostable - For one horse only
Motherboard - Nun's convention
Multiplexer - Situation causing much concern
Negative feedback - Vomit
Network - Fisherman's occupation
OMOS - Underwater vegetation
Operating system - Surgeons' standards
OR gate - Turn-off before toll road
Path loss - Heavy petrol consumption
Pilot detector - Airport security
Plan position indicator - Kama Sutra
Potential difference - Fight between jock and nerd
Power connection - Friend in high places
Power plant - Nutritional vegetable
Primary cell - Pre-sentence jail
Pulse delay - Cardiac arrest
RAM card - Sheep identification tag
Push-pull control - Wresting match referee
Rectifier - Ombudsman
Saw-tooth generator - Dentist
Side band - Support act at a concert
Star connected - Well-known in Hollywood
Strip line - Queue outside night club
Sync - Place to wash your hands
Sync period - Boat warranty time
Thermal noise - Rattling old heater
Time division - Day planner
Transient suppression - Anti-vagrancy law
Trimpot - Weight reduction plan
Truth table - Torture rack
Tuner - Fish
Two-button mouse - Laboratory rat
Unix - Cousin of Asterix
Waveguide - Coastal plumbing
Windows - Holes in the wall you can see through
White noise - Kugel

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[Old posting recovered off k12.ed.tech]

... Unable to park hard disk, all bays full.

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